It’s snowing.

It’s so dark out here, I look up into the sky for the hundredth time, and for the hundredth time I see nothing but a curtain of big white snowflakes. There’s no moon tonight. No streetlights on near where I’m sitting on this cold stone bench.

Alone.

But not for long, you’ll be here soon. You said you would. We’d meet right here, in the park, on the bench that we sat on when we first met.

It was such a beautiful warm day, a stark difference from now. The sky was bright and blue, and the air shimmered with the heat of the mid-day. Cicadas hummed loud and droning accompanied by the soft trills of birds and the voices of children as they played near by.

You sat grudgingly beside me, and regardless of my nervousness, I looked over at you. Despite the heat you were perfectly crisp and clean, dressed appropriately for the summer. Once again, a very big difference from how I appeared. The heat was getting to me, I looked like a strangled animal, drenched in sweat and my clothing sticking to me in that unpleasant way all clothing does when you’re already hot and uncomfortable.

I had wanted to rest, that was why you were so angry. We were on our way to the cool air-conditioning of the grocery after I had carelessly ran into you. I’m still not sure exactly *why* you let me talk to you, why you let me follow you, or why you let me know where you were going. You didn’t really seem to want me there. But then, you’re still that way. A mystery to me. One moment you’re open and warm like the soft breeze of that day…the next your closed and cold…like now.

I’m shivering now. I forgot my gloves and my scarf in my hast to make it here in time. I wanted to be here before you, so when you came, I could surprise you. I wish I could go back to the warm comforting memory of that first day, but the wind quickly blows it away and I try to burry myself deeper into my jacket.

It’s still snowing.

It’s so thick and heavy now that I can just barely make out the dark shapes of the surrounding trees. What if I can’t see you when you come? What if you can’t see me? What if we pass each other by without knowing? Would you look for me? Would you care that I had seemingly disappeared? Would you think to look here, where we promised we’d meet.

We promised something else here, long ago. I remember.

It was the day after your father passed away, leaving you alone in the world. It was autumn, the tree leaves scuttled noisily as the wind pushed them merrily around. After the funeral, you disappeared. You weren’t at the house we shared, or at your work place. You weren’t at your usual haunts. And then I remembered this place.

When I found you it, the sun was rising. How long had you been sitting out here? How long did I leave you to drown in your grief…alone? But I was there now, and I would save you. Save you like you saved me.

I sat down beside you, not sure of what to say. I’m clumsy with words; I always seem to say the exact thing that will make you angry. I wanted to tell you it was all right, that you weren’t alone. I wanted to do everything to make you happy but your face was so cold and hard. When I first came your face had been sad, but now it was angry. Were you angry because I was there?

Another gust of wind blew your hair into disarray. You didn’t seem to notice. I saw my opening and with a hesitant touch, let my fingers run over the soft strands, re-arranging them the way you liked it. See? I know you. I know how you were. I know what you liked and how you preferred your hair and the way your food was made. I know everything about you.

I promised you then. Promised with my stumbling words that I would always be here for you. That I would always take care of you. Always be by your side no matter what happened. I promised that I would always love you. Always. And after a while, you looked at me, and you smiled. You smiled! I love it when you smile, even if it does look so sad when you do.

You smiled and you promised me too.

So you have to come. You have to show up. We promised each other, and we keep our promises, right?

My toes and fingers are numb now. The snow’s leaked into my shoes, made them wet and cold. When I try to move I feel pins and needles. But that’s all right. You’ll be here soon, and then nothing will matter. Because you can warm me up in your arms. You’ll hold me tight and tell me how much you love me. How much you missed me.

Have you ever really done that before, though? Have you ever really told me how much you love me?

Well…no. Not in words. But you tell me in different ways, right? You tell me when you look at me with those eyes that I adore. You tell me when you touch me, when we make love together.

But…

But afterwards, you’re always so quite. Sometimes I think that you’ve fallen asleep before me, but I know that’s wrong. Sometimes I wonder if you’re just thinking, lost in your world and haunted by your nighttime ghosts.

Why don’t you ever tell me what’s wrong? You make me stand back and watch you suffer silently. Why don’t you let me love you?

It’s still snowing.

Not as hard as earlier. I look back up into the sky and see the stars are beginning to fade, the royal purple and pink of the sun beginning to creep past the horizon.

Where are you? Why aren’t you here?

What about your promise? *Our* promise?

Maybe you really don’t care. Maybe you lied. Maybe this is your way of telling me not to come back. You’ve thrown me out of the house before, telling me you were sick of me. Telling me to go away. But I always come back to you. I can’t help it.

Without you I’m sick. Without you I feel empty inside. It confuses me; I never felt that before you. When I was with others.

With others. Just that thought makes it hurt me. I wish I had never been with them. I only want to be with you. You’re the only one I’ll ever need. I’ll ever want. Don’t you see that? Can’t you see how much I need you?

But your not coming, are you? You really aren’t coming. I’m trying not to cry, you hate it when I cry. You tell me to be strong and not to cry. But I can’t help it.

I look up when I hear the crunch of footsteps. For a moment my heart stops and I hold my breath. It’s hard to see through the dark and the snow, but I know it’s you. It has to be you. Who else would come out here so late at night in the freezing cold?

But what if it isn’t you? It’ll hurt. And then I’ll know. I’ll know that you don’t need me as much as I need you.

I’ll close my eyes, and when I open them again…if it’s you, then I’ll know you didn’t lie, that you kept your promise. If it isn’t…then I guess I’ll try to move on. I’ll try even though I know I can’t. I’ll come back to you, I always will. No matter how much you push me away, I’ll always come back to you because I know, deep inside, you have to need someone. Please, let me love you.

My eyes are too blurry to see clearly when I open them up. Someone is standing in front of me. Someone is reaching out to me, pulling me up so that I’m standing. Is it you? Have you come for me? Or is it some stranger thinking that I’ve died, frozen out in the cold?

I can feel warm arms hold me close, my head pressed against a heartbeat. A heartbeat that’s so familiar. A heartbeat that I’ve fallen asleep to so many times. It’s you, isn’t it? I know your heartbeat, your smell, the way you are. It’s you? Really you?

I feel soft fingertips brushing along my cheek, feeling how cold I am. How cold I *was*. I’m not cold anymore. You’re here. Holding me like I wanted, like I wished you would. Could this be a dream? No, my chest is aching, my eyes are stinging. No, it isn’t. I can feel you as you brush the tears away, scowling.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for crying. I know you don’t like it. But I can’t help it. I’m not sad, really. I’m happy, can’t you tell? Can’t you see? I’m smiling. I’m smiling for you. I wish you would smile for me, but maybe later. Maybe another time. You don’t have to smile right now, I know how you feel. You came here didn’t you? You kept your promise. You need me. As much as I need you.

Let’s go back home together. Let’s start a fire and get a blanket and wrap up and sit together. Let me fall asleep against you, because I’m so tired. I’ve been waiting here for you so long. I knew you’d come for me, because you promised. Now let’s go back home together. We’ll shut out the cold. And we’ll watch the snowfall from each other’s arms.